Today, I was watching one of my favorite shows, “Finding Bigfoot.” Now, before you start judging me, I’m not a believer in “Squatches.” Although, I have been to a few “Squatchy” areas, as they would say. But, I love this show because these guys are so adamant about the realness of bigfeet (plural bigfoot?) They conduct night investigations with night vision goggles and thermal cameras. They stop in the middle of their tracks and yell out a big “whoop” or “Call” to alert the Squatches in the area, similar to a hunter calling a turkey (except we know what a turkey call sounds like). It’s their hopes that a big foot will yell back at them. Usually, they hear a coyote and are baffled that there are coyotes out there. If you don’t know coyotes live in wooded areas, maybe you should choose a different career path other than finding big foot. Anyway, after they yell, they compliment the other guy on how good his Sasquatch yell was. They’ll also be walking and see hogs or elk and say, “wow, this is a great area for squatches, because we know they love to eat elk and hogs.” You might ask, “what’s wrong with simple observation Adam?” “Why are you making fun of this show?” Well, here’s what’s wrong with all of their observations and calls…..they have NOTHING TO BASE IT OFF OF. There has been no record of a bigfoot anywhere, besides fake videos and people who want to get on TV. You’d think with all the professional hunters in the world, someone would have one of these things mounted on their wall. This begs the question, how would you even mount a Sasquatch? Would you simply just mount the foot? The bigger the foot, the more impressive your big foot was? Or, have his torso in a position to where he looks like he’s bustin through your wall. You’ll tell everyone, “Yep, caught this one while he was eating beef jerky on the set of a TV Commercial.” But, I digress. The TV Show characters have never even seen one, but yet they know exactly what it eats, how it yells, and when the best time to see one is. Every episode they get frustrated and say, “Man!! These things are sooo illusive.” By the way, every video in the world of a big foot has been taken in the day time. Why are they in the woods at 2:00am?
Before the commercial break today, they had a pop quiz. It read, “True or False: Sasquatches can run up to 30mph.” After they came back from commercial break, they confirmed that this question was indeed, True. How can you even answer this? It would be like if I asked you, “True or False: Unicorns don’t eat from pecans, because it makes their horns itch.” I sat there baffled and had the image in my mind of someone standing at the end of a 40 yard dash with a stop watch timing a big foots reaction time and speed. Kind of like a B.F.L Combine for Rookie Big Foots hoping to make the team.
I often wonder what the TV Show crew’s plan is, if they happen to sneak up on a big foot while he’s ravaging an elk and using it’s horns for tooth pics? If that really happens, the intro to that episode would be “Series Finale- Big Foot Found with sneak peaks of all cast members funerals.” The tombstone of each character would read, “Squatches definitely be running 30mph.”
Here’s a clip from a recent squatch hunt that my guitarist, Spence Peppard, and I took on a trip to Oklahoma this past December
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